Lawliet & Company
by BeyondLawlietBeyondCompare
Summary: L Lawliet is kickin it at Whammy's for the entire month of October. WARNING: Rated T for cursing, fighting, hair-pulling, pop-culture bashing, numerous one-liners, drunk Near, and more dick jokes than you can shake a cock at. Very slight OOC-ness.
1. September 30th: Short, Fast, and Loud

L stepped out of the limosine and took in a deep breath. The air felt was crisp and clean, unlike the smog and smoke of New York City. L was back home at Whammy's taking the entire month of October off. It was a well deserved vacation and L looked forward to celebrating his 15th birthday with his successors. _Ahh, rest and relaxation…_thought L to himself.

"Feels good to be back, eh L?" asked Watari.

"Indeed." Replied L, as he put his thumb to his mouth. Just as the young teen was about to shuffle into the building, he heard what could only be the unmistakable sound of a stampede of children headed his way. L looked up and saw 5 very familiar faces, moving at lightening quick speed. Before he could say anything L found himself on the floor and covered with children.

"L! What's shakin' partna?" greeted Backup. 12 yr old Backup was second in line to succeed L and practically a mixture of New York City, Detroit, Fifth Ward TX, and Eddie Van Halen in the flesh. He was wearing his favorite black and red striped long sleeved shirt with black jeans and black and white chucks. B's red eyes always seemed to sparkle with mischief and he seemed to forever sport a sarcastic smirk on his face.

"Nothing is 'shaking' much, Backup. It's a pleasure to see you too….partner." Replied L, wrinkling his nose at how incredibly lame it sounded when it came from his mouth.

"Hiya L…I missed you too…" said A, A was 11 and was the first to succeed L at Whammy's. B was his best friend, and his complete opposite. B was a wise crack while A preferred to stay quiet. They were truly the odd couple.

"The same A." said L, by this time he was standing back on his feet.

A small blonde boy walked up and pushed A out of the way. A fell to the ground and looked like he was about to cry.

"Hi L."said the 4 yr old blonde. He took a bite of his chocolate bar and pointed his nose in the air. "I beat Near at thumb wrestling, again." adding stress to the last word.

"That's nice, Mello." replied L. "However, you don't need to compete with Near at everything." L was well aware of the one-sided competition between Near and Mello, it concerned him greatly.

"You're proud of beating a two year old? Mello, you really are a heartless tranny aren't you?" said a small voice. A flurry of giggles erupted from Matt, a 3 year old redhead wearing goggles and a striped tee.

"Who you callin' a tranny sheep?! You think you're better than me?!' yelled Mello.

"How about a little less 20 questions, and a little more shut the hell up?"

"Why you!" Mello lunged at Near but was caught by L.

"Now now children, let's not fight..." started L, but he was quickly drowned out by Mello and Near's onslaught of insults. Still holding onto Mello, L made his was inside the building, he heaved a heavy sigh and dropped Mello to the floor.

"So much for rest and relaxation.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

This chapter isn't really funny but its really just an introductory chapter so you know the character's ages and such. Read and Review!**  
**


	2. Spetember 30th: 7 Minutes In Heaven

"_I've been waiting for you…L…" said a seductive voice._

_L turned his head and saw a woman laying on his bed. She had brown eyes, wavy hair, and milk chocolate skin. She was wearing a filmy black negligee that left little to the imagination. L's mouth began to water._

"_Waiting…for me?" L asked, he put his thumb to his mouth. "Why is that Ms. Knowles?"_

_Beyonce got up and sauntered over to L. She leaned her head on his chest and began to stroke L's chest under his shirt. _

"_Because…" she sighed. "I need justice for a wrong that's been done to me.." she looked up into L's souless eyes. "And you're the world's greatest detective…you are justice, right?" she chided._

_L smiled at her. "Of course my dear." he took her hand and kissed it._

"_Its just that Jay can't do it for me anymore…he can't please me…not like YOU can L…" she leaned in closer to L's ear, giving it a slight nip and lick before continuing. "I want you all over me…"_

_L's cock lurched forward, making a very visible lump in his pants. Bey giggled and ran her hand over L's erection._

"_You're so big!" she said excitedly. "Do you think it can all fit inside?" she asked him, her head cocked to the side._

"_Hmm…I believe we will have to test that hypothisis, Ms. Knowles." replied L. He allowed her to lead him over the bed. He took off his shirt and pants and laid Bey down in the bed. He gingerly removed her lingerie to reveal her round grapefruit breasts. He took one in his mouth and began to suck softly, feeling the nipple grow inside his mouth. She began to moan and run her fingers through L's mass of thick black hair. He stopped and stared at the woman._

"_Ms. Knowles, would you like to test out your theory now?" L asked, deadpanned, as usual. _

_She nodded her head and groaned as L entered her, his cock barely able to fit inside._

"_Ahh ahh ah a a ah ah" she moaned as L slide in and out. He began to go faster and get rougher as time went on. Bey was about to reach her climax and informed her lover._

"_Oh! Oh! Oh God! L! I…I'm…gonna cum." she panted_

"_Me as well." replied L, monotone. _

_Both were so close…just a few more-_

The door flung open and slammed against the adjacent wall. L bolted up in bed. A stream of cum escaped from L's member and landed on the closet door, two others landed on the bed sheets. L looked over at the door to find Near, sitting with a robot in one hand and a piece of his snow white hair in the other twirling it in his fingers.

"Haven't you heard of knocking, Near?" asked L, a tiny hint of anger in his otherwise deadpan voice.

"If you're through masturbating over women you can never have, dinner is ready." replied Near.

L stuffed his privates back into his pants, got up out the bed and stripped off the sheets. Near watched, as L dumped the sheets into the hamper and took a paper towel to clean off the closet door, which he then placed in the trash.

"Near, you're two. How can you possibly know about masturbation?" asked L.

"I know that you need to get laid, ASAP." replied Near as he got up and walked off, finger still twirling his hair.

"Hope you die a virgin!" yelled Near from farther down the hall.


	3. Spetember 30th: Yule Shoot Your Eye Out

Everyone was piled at the dinner table. Watari had outdone himself this time. There was a beautiful turkey with all the trimmings, sweet potatoes with marshmellows and pecans, green beans, macaroni and cheese, sweet diner rolls, and a slew of other dishes, all homemade. L's main focus was, as usual, on dessert, which was still in the oven. L decided to go and see what was keeping it.

"It all looks so good!" exclaimed Matt, his mouth watering.

"This makes being Ehwell's sucfessors all worfhwhile." said B, mouth full of ham and macaroni.

"B! We haven't said grace yet!" scolded Roger. Roger hated kids, B and L in particular. "Put that food down! Wait till Watari gets back!"

B smiled. "Alrghtly then, Roger." B opened his mouth and let the half chewed food fall into Matt's plate, totally grossing everyone out.

"What's the big idea you nasty fuck?!" screamed Matt, tossing his DS to the ground.

B cackled hysterically. Matt grabbed a handful of potato salad and smashed it into B's face. B's eyes glowed a dangerous red as he picked up a butter knife and started to chase Matt around the table. Roger jumped to his feet and caught Matt. B lunged towards Roger but received a fierce kick in the mouth from Matt.

"Matt! You're grounded!"

"WHAT?!"

"You too, B!"

B was too busy trying to recover lost teeth to comment.

"Hey! B started it! Don't punish Matt!" yelled Mello.

"Shut up brat!" screamed Roger.

Mello jumped up on the table, crushing the fine plates under his steel-toed boots.

"Say to my face you old bastard!" bellowed Mello. He grabbed a fork and threw it at Roger, barely missing the old man's face. Without thinking, Roger grabbed still-hot sweet potatoes and threw them at Mello. However Mello was too quick and ducked, just then L, who had been reassured by Watari that the dessert was nearly finished and instructed to go and be patient was ambling back into the dining room, turned his head and was greeted by hot potatoes.

"AHHHH!!!! IT BURNS!!!! IT BURNS!!!! GET IT OFF!!!! GET IT OFF!!!!"

L's arms started flailing, accidentally smacking Near and A in their faces. Near fell out his chair, hitting his head on the hardwood floor.

"THERE'S PECANS IN MY EYES!!!" screamed L.

"Hmm… that's most emotion I've seen you show in years." Near remarked.

Mello by this time had run across the table and was now biting Roger's neck while hanging on to his back. Matt was still kicking at B, who had found all 4 missing teeth and was desperately trying to shove them back in his gums.

"Mello get off me!!"

"Never!"

Roger grabbed a drumstick from the turkey and repeatedly hit Mello in the head with it. Near grabbed the gravy boat and threw it on L, in an attempt to wash the potatoes from his face, it worked, but L still couldn't see because of all the gravy, he tripped and fell on A, who was getting up off the floor and they both fell onto the table, throwing off its center of gravity causing the entire table to fall, sending all the food on the opposite side flying through the air.

"Well I know it took a while but I've got the dessert-"

Watari stopped mid-sentence, mouth agape, at the remains of his beautiful dinner.

"……….."

"I'd duck if I were you." commented Near, twirling his hair.

"Wha-?!"

At that moment a shower of sides came crashing down on Watari. Everyone stopped what they were doing and watched in horror (except for L, who was still covered in gravy and A, who was slowly being suffocated by L's chest) as a the turkey landed (with quite some force) on Watari's head along with the silver platter it had been sitting on. Watari was knocked out cold on impact. Everyone crowded around him.

"Is…is he dead?" asked Matt.

Near picked up a nearby fork. B walked up next to him, trying to poke Watari's face. Near handed the fork up to B.

"Would you do the honors?" asked Near.

"With pleasure." smirked B. "Mind holding my teeth?" he handed Near a napkin full of bloody teeth.

B kneeled down next to Watari and stabbed him in the leg.

"AHHHHHHH!!!!! BACKUP!!!!"

B dropped the fork.

"Yep, he's still alive." confirmed Near.

"SOMEBODY HAD BETTER START EXPLAINING WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!!"


	4. AUTHOR's NOTE

This is for every one who has favorited or has read my Death Note fan fics. I'm sorry I haven't been updating but I have a lot on my plate now, and I'm being stretched a little thin. Next week I will be updating both Lawliet & Comapany and L After Beyond Birthday. Again, I apologize for the wait but rest assured the stories HAVE **NOT** BEEN ABANDONED OR DISCONTINUED.

Thanks for your support and understanding,

BeyondLawlietBeyondCompare


	5. October 1st: Alpha Dog and Omegalomaniac

Watari grounded everybody the following day.

L sat on the side of his bed talking to Backup, Near, and Mello. He had 1st degree burns to the right side of his face, he'd never been so humiliated in his life.

"L, you totally screamed like a little bitch." Said Mello, grinning.

"Shut up." Said L sternly.

"Ahh!!! There's pecans in my eyes!!" mocked Mello.

"I said shut up."

"Heh heh heh, Backup, you're awfully quiet…" said Mello, deciding to stop teasing his mentor.

"I just wanna ask y'all a question ." said B. "How exactly do you get a girl to go out with you?"

"Ooohhhh!!! Backup's got a girlfriend!" squealed Mello. "Dish dude, is she a total babe?"

"Yeah, man that chicks got a helluva rack! I swear dude, she's like a D-Cup."

"Daaammmnnn." Replied L, Mello, and Near in unison.

"But she's not officially my girl yet." Admitted B. "I don't know how to approach her."

"Why can't you just come out and ask her?" asked Near.

"Near, you're 2 and you're a sheep. What do you know?" demanded Mello, peering at the small boy.

"You honestly think I've never been with a woman before?"

"Surely you mean a girl?" inquired L.

"No, I mean a woman."

"Holy shit, Near, you been knockin boots behind our backs?"

"No way! Near's pencil dick? No way!"

"More like a baseball bat." Replied Near, twirling his hair.

"Liar!"

"Jealous much?"

Mello turned beet red and turned to B.

"Anyways....this what you should say...L you be the woman."

"What! I'm not a woman!"

"Just pretend!"

"Fine."

Mello sauntered over to L and leaned over his knees.

"Hey baby....you must be tired cuz....(he ran a hand through his hair and gave it a toss, Near rolled his eyes) you been runnin through my mind ALLLL day."

L brought up a foot and kicked Mello in the stomach.

"What the fuck, L!" screamed Mello.

"No woman wants to hear one of those tired ass pickup lines, Mello. As my successor you should know how to captivate the female gender."

"Oh yeah? So where's your girlfriend?"

L immediately shut up.

"Thought so."

"Hello! Back to Backup here!" said B, pointing at himself.

"Backup, you should approach a woman with finesse and clear intent, allow me to demonstrate. Near, you shall be the woman, ok?"

Near nodded. L got up and walked smoothly towards Near, he crouched down and gently brushed his hand against the young boy's cheek.

"My dear..." he began, his voice smooth as silk. "Please pardon me for interrupting you but I caught a glimpse of your stunning radiance and I simply had to come over and introduce myself, so would you mind allowing me to have the ultimate pleasure of buying you dinner this evening?" L gave his award-winning smile.

"Not bad, L." said Near. "If I were a woman I would've considered taking you up on that offer had your rancid breath not cut off my clean air supply."

"My breath?" L did the ha-ha-sniff test and wrinkled his nose.

"Watari made me eat onions and Brussel sprouts as punishment last night!"

Near turned to B. "Well, L did a surprisingly good job, I think you should go with suave and debonair."

"That's what's up! I'm holla back later, she's at the park so I'll tell her now." Beyond jumped off the bed and ran outside, slamming the door behind him.

"Ahhh young love....I remember my first crush...." said L dreamily.

"What was her name?" asked Mello

"German Chocoloate. She was a dark chocolate beauty with mouthwatering coconut-pecan icing and chocolate ganache....mmmm...." L's mouth began to water. His successors stared blankly at him.

"Get laid.....now..." said Near, twirling his hair.

"Let's follow him!" piped up Mello. "I wanna see the look on his face when he gets rejected.

"What makes you so sure he'll be rejected?"

"L, the dude is a freak of nature! No way a dude like him'll get a hot chick. He's too much like you!"

"I AM NOT A FREAK OF NATURE!!!!"

"Let's go before we miss the show people, I want to see how this plays out however L please go brush your teeth because I cannot stalk properly while inhaling raw sewage."

.....................................................................................................

The three boys hurried along after B. They slipped in and out of corners and alleyways L led them through with ease.

"How you know how to sneak around L? And all these streets? You know them backwards and forwards."

"Before I came to Whammy's when I was very young I lived on the streets. I knew and still know every trash can, dumpster, and ditch in this area."

"Trash can?"

"I had to eat of course."

Near and Mello exchanged surprised looks.

They reached the park just in time. The three boys ducked into a nearby bush to watch the action. B was sitting on a park bench holding a bouquet of flowers he had been picking along the way. He looked nervous.

"How sweet." said Near.

The others turned their attention towards a small girl about 9-10 yrs old with short brown hair and a blue sundress. She smiled when she saw Beyond, flashing two rows of bright red braces. She jogged over to B and hugged him. He blushed and held out the flowers for her to take.

"Sugoi!! Kanojo wa kawaii desu!!" blurt out an excited L.

"Don't you think she's a bit young for you L?" asked Mello, giving his mentor a suspicious look.

"I didn't mean it like a pedophile! I....I just thought she was cute! I mean its obvious she's going to be very beautiful when she grows up."

"Hush! They're talking!" shushed Near.

"Dank que, Beyawned!" said the girl. She still had a baby's voice.

"It was nothing...listen uh...I was just wondering if uh....you'd wanna...uh..." all what L had said had gone out the window and now only a stuttering B was left.

Our trio was hanging on every one of B's words when a low rumble sounded. The rumble soon turned into a tremor, it had the sound pattern of footsteps.

"What's going on?" cried Mello.

"Is it an earthquake?" asked Near.

L narrowed his eyes. One thought when through his mind.

"Big Shirley." said L, deadpanned.

"Big who?!" shouted Mello. The tremors had gotten worse.

"Big Shirley. Beyond and I's self-proclaimed girlfriend. Before you two came to Whammy's she lived in a house near the orphange. She has a crush on Beyond and me as well, living next door to her, all 600 some pounds was pure hell!"

"Damn..." said Near, eyes wide.

"She's back." said L. He began to curl up into a ball.

The tremors stopped and Mello and Near could see a large shadow overcome their bush.

"I sMeLL.....L....." growled a voice.

L curled ever tighter. A hand grabbed the bush and pulled it out roots and all and threw it aside as if it were a rag doll.

"L!!!!!!!!!"

Near and Mello turned slowly around. Big Shirley, if what the rumors said was true, was a large girl with two pigtails. She was wearing a dress the size of a circus tent. Sweat was streaming down her quadruple chins and her small beady eyes were staring daggers at Near and Mello.

"WhEre'S ........My L........?" she wheezed between breaths.

The two boys were in too much shock to reply right away. Big Shirley peered down and spotted a trembling mass of white. She bent down (if you could call it that) and flared her nostrils wide over L, her nose seemed to take up all the surrounding oxygen. She stopped and smiled. She grabbed up L, who looked like a doll compared to her.....girth.

"SHIrLeY hAS SeArChEd EveRYWheRE FOR YOU." Her baritone voice sent chills down L's spine.

"Oh? Well I was around...." said L nervously.

"WHERE'S BACKUP?"

"I don't know...."

Shirley squeezed L's small frame.

"wHeRe'S bACkup?!"

"I....I....I....don't know!!!!" cried L, struggling to breathe.

"IF YOU DON'T TELL I'LL-" Shirley stopped short, she could see Beyond and the girl sitting on a bench holding hands and giggling. Her mouth fell open and she immediately dropped L to the ground. He landed with a thud and scurried over to his successors.

"Mello! Near! Are you ok?! Did she hurt you?!"

Both sat in silence, mouths agape and wide eyes fixated on the alleged girl in front of them.

"BEyOND?"said Shirley questioningly. She gritted her teeth and with all her mighty stampeded towards the couple. The concrete moaned in pain with each and every stride of Big Shirley's elephant legs.

Beyond and his new girlfriend were talking when they both heard what sounded like rhinos charging.

"Whaz dat, B?"

B looked into the distance towards the noise. His eyes went comically wide.


	6. October 1st: Part II

"Whatza matter Beyawned?"

"C'mon honey. We gotta go." B grabbed her hand and hopped off the bench, hitting the ground running. Big Shirley was in hot pursuit, she knew she wouldn't be able to catch up to them so she decided to use her ace in the hole…

"Beyawned, what's happening?!"

"I'll tell you later!"

Suddenly the world went black, B thought he had gone blind at first but on glance at the sky told him that he was still sighted....and in big trouble.

"Is it a solar eclipse?" asked one person from the crowd.

"No...its a....OH MY GOD ITS A FAT CHICK!!!"

And sure enough, there was Big Shirley, in the air blocking out the entire sun. Beyond had only seen this move once in his entire life. Xerox still hadn't stopped the screaming.

"StAy AwAy fRom My BeYonD!!!!!" Big Shirley roared as she came crashing down on B's frightened girlfriend.

BOOM!

Big Shirley landed face down on the poor girl, her fat rolls waving like the midsummer tide. Horrified spectators looked on as Big Shirley rose out of the crater she had permanently indented in the concrete.

"DANNIE!!!!" screamed B. He rushed into the crater, frantically searching for any traces of his girl. L and the others came rushing towards the commotion.

"ShE wOn'T tAkE wHaT's MiNe...."

"Oh no....I can't let her do this! Think Lawli, think!" thought L frantically. He reached in his pocket and immediately thought of a plan.

"Shirley!" called out L. She turned her massive head around.

L pulled out a rainbow lollipop. Shirley's eyes grew wide.

"You want it?"

"CANDY!!!!" Big Shirley came bounding towards L. L swung his arm around 3 times and threw that lolli as far as he could. Big Shirley followed it, running off into the distance.

Everyone rushed over to Beyond and Dannie. He was pulling her up out of the rubble.

"Are you ok baby?"

Dannie shook herself and flashed B a toothy smile. "Yep!" she replied cheerfully.

"Thanks L. We woulda been dead meat had yall not been spying on us."

"I'm just thankful that girl is gone." said L.

"Girl?" asked Near. "That was no girl, that was King Kong with titties."


	7. October 2nd: War of the Wards PtI

Watari a.k.a. Quilish Whammy had a brother.

His name: Quentin Whammy. Quentin had always been jealous of his younger brother. Their mother always favored Quilish to him. Of course, it must be said that Quentin was a neer do well. He had always lived off some woman in his youth, but ever since he began to grow older and woman began to pay attention to him less and less he knew that he needed to find some other source of income.

Then his brother opened an orphanage. Of course, Quentin had always copied off what Quilish did and so he too opened an orphanage. He thought that he had finally matched his brother. Until he found out that Quilish's orphange was for genius children, groomed to take the place of his star pupil, L Lawliet. Quentin was pissed. So he decided to raise orphans to take the place of **his **star pupil. Unfortunately, all of his orphans were deliquinents and neer do wells like Quentin, only recently had Quilish found out (tells you exactly how popular Quentin's orphanage was) and demanded that his brother stop raising children to be "hoodlums" Quentin refused vowing to someday overthrow his brother. And so the War of the Wards began.

AUTHORS NOTE: From here on out anything in the story in parenthesis is and author's note/comment on the current situation.

............................................................................................................................................................................................................................

It all started with a rock through Matt's window.

"Who the hell threw a rock through my window?!" shouted Matt in the break room. He had just come out the bath when he saw is favorite window shattered. He had looked down and saw someone with black hair running from the premises.

"Don't be so loud!" shouted Mello. The little blonde was in a horrible mood today, he had just got an A- on a test while Near, once again got an A+.

Matt plopped down next to Mello on the couch. "Dude, someone threw a rock through my window and he ran off!"

"Well it wasn't me!"

"Whatever, cmon with me to tell Roger what happened, I don't want that old bastard accusing me of breakin shit."

The two boys headed into Rodger's office. He was behind his desk reading a book on bugs.

"Roger, someone threw a rock through my window! He had black hair but that's all I could see." said Matt.

"Probably B." said Roger, not even looking up. He was hardly listening.

"No it wasn't." piped Mello, he took a bite of chocolate. "I walked past B's room like 10 mins before Matt told me, and heard him snoring. He was sleeping pretty hard."

"He could've been faking." replied Roger, again not paying them any attention.

"B wouldn't have ran off. He would've stood there and talked shit."

"Then it was L."

"Wrong again. One, L wouldn't destroy anyones property. Two, L runs slow and this mo-fo was fast as hell. and Three, L isn't even here.

(L had went for a walk in the park, which was eight blocks away.)

"Near."

Mello rolled his eyes. "Near's hair is white!"

"Mello."

"How the hell could have been me when I was in the damn break room!!!"

"Matt."

"IT WAS HIS WINDOW THAT WAS BROKEN!!!!"

"Ok. I'll tell Watari when he comes back."

"What if its like a murderer or something?!" cried Matt.

"I thought you said B was asleep."

"Don't joke, B's not a murderer."

(O_O)

"Its no murderer." assured Roger.

"If it is he'll kill you too." replied Mello smartly.

Roger pointed an eye towards the boys.

"Let's go make sure." he said setting aside his book and getting up from his chair. Mello and Matt smiled to themselves.

Roger, Matt, and Mello walked outside to the area right below Matt's room.

"So he or she ran from here and into the street right?"

"Yep." replied Matt.

A rustle came from the bush behind them. A rock flew out and knocked Roger in the head. He crumpled to the ground in pain.

"What the hell!"

From inside the bush two boys about Matt and Mello's ages stepped out. They tossed the rocks up and down in their hands.

"I'm Mutt." said the redhead with Mello's haircut.

"I'm Melto." said the blonde with Matt's haircut.

They were both wearing orange jumpsuits with numbers printed on them.

"Who the hell do you bastards think you are! Don't throw shit at our orphanage!" bellowed Mello.

"Motherfucker, don't yell at me!" said Melto. Both toddlers were face to face, hands ready to grab the hidden guns at their waists. The one called Mutt stepped forward.

"We're from Whammy's Place. Our old man's brother runs this here orphange and we're here to fuck yall up! Whammy's orders!"

"Not if I can help it!" Matt lunged at Mutt punching him in the jaw, he wrestled the boy to the ground and was beating the shit out of him.

"Mutt!"

Melto pulled out his gun and pointed dead in the back of Matt's head. "Move a muscle and I'll blow your motherfuckin' head off."

A gun clicked. Melto turned slightly to see Mello holding his gun. Mello took a bite of chocolate and lowered it to Melto's shoulder.

"You mess with the bro' you got to go."

Mello pulled the trigger, firing a bullet into Melto's shoulder. The other boy winced in pain and dropped his gun. Matt grabbed it, he barely had a scratch on him. Too bad the same couldn't be said for Mutt. Matt cocked the gun and pointed it at Mutt.

"Dammit!" shouted Melto. He stood up holding his arm, he motioned towards Mutt. "Let's get outta here, we already did what we needed to do anyways."

"Yeah! Fuck Whammy's House!" yelled Mutt as he and Melto backed away. Mello took a bite of chocolate and shot at their feet. They gave a small yelp and ran for home. Mello tucked the gun back inside his pants.

"That takes care of those two." he said. He turned to Matt. "That motherfucker hurt you, man?"

Matt wiped the blood from his lip. "Naw, that pussy can't fight."

Roger had finally come to. He stood and looked at the boys.

"Who the hell were they?"

"Mutt and Melto. They're from Whammy's Place."

"What is that anyways?"

"Watari has an older brother named Quentin. He runs Whammy's Place. He raised orphans to be juvenile delinquents, although I can't say we do any different" said Roger, eyeing the gun bulge in Mello's pants.

"They're the ones who threw a rock through Matt's window. I think they were casing the joint."

"Let's go back inside." said Roger wearily. He hate children, especially orphaned children.

"Yeah! We have something to tell L when he gets home!" exclaimed Matt.

"He'll be so proud of us!" laughed Mello.

.............................................................................................................................................................................................

Mutt and Melto made it back home.

"You're bleeding a lot dude."

"Yeah, yeah." replied Melto. "I'm going to the infimary."

"Humph. You two are pathetic. Whammy sends you out to complete a simple task like casing an orphanage and you can't even do that without getting caught." said a voice.

"Shut it you little koala freak!" shouted Melto at the voice. "Come out the shadows and talk shit to me."

A little boy in silver pajamas with silver hair about the age of 2 stepped forward. His tiny fingers curling the tail of his pajama shirt.

"You're so emotional. That's why you'll never succeed-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!!" Melto cut the little boy off mid-sentence.

"He just got shot dude, don't insult him too."

The boy continued to curl his pajamas. He stuck his thumb in his mouth and ambled towards the front door.

"Always second...." he murmured softly, yet loud enough to reach Melto's keen ears.

"FUCK YOU, FAR!! I'LL GET THOSE WHAMMY JERKS!!!!" shouted Melto after him.

Faintly, just faintly a small smile graced Far's pale lips.

Author's Notes:

LOL, I couldn't think of original names for the Whammy's Place boys so there you go. Mutt, Melto, and Far.


	8. October 2nd: War of the Wards PtII

L had come in from a nice walk around the neighborhood. He pulled out his key and let himself in. L headed straight for the kitchen.

"I'm craving some shortcake right now." he murmured to himself.

"L!"

He turned around.

"Oh, Matt! Hello! You scared me for a bit. I was just about to have a slice of cake, will you join me?"

"I'm not hungry, but I do have something to tell you! It happened to Mello and me!"

"Mello and I." Corrected L. "And what happened to your lip?"

"That's what I need to tell you."

Matt explained everything while L sat quietly and ate his cake. When Matt finished, he set down his fork and shook his head.

"I'm very dissapointed in you two. As my successors, you should know that resorting to violence in that kind of situation is out of the question."

"But L!-"

"No buts. We're going to go apologize to those boys."

"But they're anti-Whammy's House! They're our enemies!"

"You have to learn to turn the other cheek, Matt. Now listen, you get Mello and we're going to go to Whammy's Place and apologize. Then I'll treat you two to some ice cream. Is that a deal?"

Matt sighed. L was just going to have to see for himself, Matt thought.

"Can I go too?"

L and Matt jumped. They turned to see B, hiding in the kitchen pantry.

"What on Earth are you doing there, B?" asked L.

"Just sitting. Hey, L why we gonna go apologize to those douchebags? Let's get Mello, A and Near and kick some ass! Show'em how we do at Whammys House!"

"Yeah!"

"No. Beyond you may come, but no fighting."

"Aww L...." whined B.

"I would like to go as well."

Near poked his head out from around the corner. His large gray eyes laced with curiosity.

L sighed. "Fine, you may all come. But no fighting and no cursing. As Whammys we must set an example."

So all the Whammy's House kids (well the important Whammy's House kids) set out to Whammy's Place. L borrowed (stole) a map and wrote down the address Watari kept locked away in his personal drawer.

After getting lost three times, thanks to A's poor sense of direction, they finally arrived at the front gate of Whammy's Place.

It was a hot mess.

The "gate" had been torn from its hinges. The sign was covered in graffiti, four letter words sprawled across the front. The bricks were missing in some places.

"Ummm.....well....its certainly.....colorful...."stammered L, dumbstruck for the first time in his life.

"This place is fucking dump. Let's just apologize and ditch this Popsicle stand." said Mello, he pulled out a chocolate bar and took a bite.

"Mello, don't be rude. Just the same keep your eyes open and your wallets close."

Mello rolled his eyes. L led his successors up to the front steps, he knocked on the door. A girl about 16 came out, she was wearing a see-through lace bra and matching panty set. She puffed on her joint and gave L a slutty smile.

"Never seen you around here before." she drawled. She looked L up and down. "I charge 100 bucks a hour. The red eyed kid and the brunette can join in too for 50 bucks extra. Ectasy takes care of the younger ones, she's 6 think you boys can handle her?" Her last sentence was directed towards Mello, Matt, and Near.

"Question is can she handle me?" replied Near, twirling his hair and playing with his toy airplane.

"Near! Excuse him ma'am but I'm afraid I'm not interested in your.....wares, I would like to speak with a "Mutt" and a "Melto". You see an altercation took place earlier today where my successors injured a child that lives here. I try to set a good example so I would like for the boys to apologize to them." said L. His souless eyes stared into the girl.

"Where did you say you were from again?" she asked after a long pause.

"I didn't. We are from Whammy's House. I believe that our founders are brothers?"

The girl's face fell into a grimace.

"Whammy's.....House."

"Yes ma'am."

She slammed the door in L's face. He stood there in utter surprise. B spoke up first.

"She slammed the door in your face. Can we kick some now?"

"No! I think if I were to simple explain to her again-"

The door opened back up. The same girl stood at it.

"Come in."

L and his brood stepped in. It smelled like mildew and public toilets.

"It fucking stinks in here!" said B, he covered his nose.

L turned to the girl. She slinked up to him, her smile from before gone.

"We usually don't cater to Whammy's Trash like you, but our mentor would like a word with you two?"

"Mentor?"

"Yeah...you're Whammy's House, L Lawliet right?"

L winced at hearing his full name called. "Yes.....but how...?"

She smirked.

"The guy you need to talk too is right through this hallway. He's like.....Whammy's Place's answer to you."

L cocked his head to the side. His sucessors waited with baited breath for what would she would say next.

"Whammy's Place's answer to me?"

"Yep." she smiled again, this time a slightly unhinged smile. "E Epitaph."

**Authors Note:**

**This chapter was not a funny one unfortunately, but very suspenseful. What is exactly is Whammy's Place? Who is E Epitaph? What awaits Lawliet and the others? Can Ecstacy really handle Near? All this and more....next chapter!**


	9. October 2nd: War of The Wards Pt III

"Welcome ladies and gentleman, this your pilot speaking. I'm afraid that due to inclement weather we're going to have to lay over in England. A terrible storm is brewing over Japan right now, we aren't certain when we can proceed. I will update when we get more information. We apologize for the inconvience."

The passengers began to talk amongst themselves. A woman with short brown hair turned to he stoic husband.

"Oh, no. I was so expecting to get home today." she said in Japanese.

"Don't worry dear, everything will be alright. Besides, think of it as a bonus vacation." he replied with a kind look.

The woman smiled and nodded.

"You're right. Plus it would be a wonderful experience for the children. You know they absolutely enjoyed the trip to America. I just wish you could've been with us more."

"So do I. But you know how those police conventions are, they hold you all day talking about things you already know." he said with a smile.

The American waitress was coming down the aisle. She stopped in front of the couple.

"May I get you two something to drink?"

"Oh no. We're fine-"

"Mom! Can I having something to drank?" piped up the woman's son in his broken and poorly conjugated English.

The waitress laughed kindly and turned towards the little boy. He had short brown hair and beautiful hazel eyes. He was wearing pilot goggles around his head. He kicked his bandaid covered small legs. He was wearing a purple and plaid shirt that had sleeves much too long for his arms. He smiled at the woman, it was a cute smile one with three missing teeth.

"Your son is adorable!" she gushed. "What would like young man?"

"Nyuujuu kudasai." he replied, still beaming. The waitress looked puzzled.

"Milk." said his mother. The waitress smiled and handed the boy a half-pint of milk.

"Your son is so adorable!" the waitress gushed as the boy guzzled down the milk.

"What do you say..." started his mother in Japanese. The boy wiped his mouth and smiled again.

"Domo arigatou!"

"In English..." said his father.

"Ummm....thanks you very much?"

"How sweet! And what is your name young man?" asked the waitress, ruffling the boy's hair affectionately.

"Light!" he said triumphantly with a smile. "Light Yagami!"

........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

The plane landed and the Yagami's were passing thorough the checkpoint.

"Sir, it looks like we'll have to lay over for a week here in England. May I have a cell number so that we contact you when the plane is ready to go?"

"Of course you may its 344-546-9708."

"And you're name sir?"

"Soichiro Yagami."

"Ok then. Again we're sorry for the inconvience. Also, I'm afraid that you will have to be responsible for finding accomodations."

"What? But we've never been here! I don't know the area!"

"I'm sorry sir." replied the attendant.

Soichiro stepped aside. Sachiko sat down with Sayu in her arms, the girl had fallen asleep on the plane ride.

"So now what?" she sighed. "I've read that England is a very busy tourist attraction. We might have trouble finding a hotel."

"Excuse me."

Both parents turned around. Watari stood there smiling and the couple.

"Forgive me for intruding. My name is Quilish Whammy. I run and orphanage nearby called Whammy's House. I couldn't help but hear that your in need of a place to stay. If you would like to, I have plenty of rooms to spare for your family to stay in and other children for you son and daughter to play with."

"Well....I don't know...." said Mr. Yagami." Would take you up on it but my children can sometimes be unruly. I wouldn't want to be a bother."

"No bother at all sir. I insist."

"It sounds like a good idea, Soichiro. They'll have other children to play with."

"Ok then, Whammy-san. We have a deal."

"Please call me Watari." said Watari, as he lead the Yagamis to his waiting car, they piled inside.

"Oh? Are you Japanese?"

"No, pure Englishman I'm afraid. However my son is part Japanese, I believe one his parents were half Japanese."

"One of his parents?"

"Yes, I'm not his biological father. I found him when he was 3 and raised him as my own. It was him who inspired me to create Whammy's House. We don't refer to each other as father and son but I love him as much as I love my own children."

"His name, what it is?" asked Light.

"His name is L. He's 14. He's turning 15 at the end of the month." smiled Watari as he started the car and drove off.

.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

I've been waiting for a point to introduce Light into the story and I really wanted him to be involved in this war between the orphans so that's why I've put off L and E meeting but I assure you they will meet next chapter. I tweaked his character a bit. Since Light is so calm dand stoic in the anime/manga I wanted to make little Light a bit of an eccentric. I want to portray him as a fun-loving, barely English-speaking, costume-fantic, 7-year-old genius by mixing in a little bit of Konata, and Momiji with a dash of Haruhi Suzuyima for good measure. If you think this is a good character change for Light and how long you think he should stay in please tell me so in the review box. Also if you just plain like this story, please review.


	10. October 2nd: War of the Wards Pt IV

L stood in front of the boy called E Epitaph. He had long black hair that swept down his back, it was pulled neatly into a ponytail. His narrow, sleep deprived Heather gray eyes clashed with L's dark gray bag lined ones. His slender, spiderlike fingers wrapped around the chair of the arm he was seated in. His black suit, was immaculate.

"Ahh...the notorious L Lawliet...welcome to Whammy's Place...I take it Hannabar has been on her best behavior." E rubbed one of Hannabar's breasts. She purred and sauntered over to an open seat.

L stared at the boy. His face emotionless. E got up from his chair and greeted L's successors.

"And you must be Mr. Lawliet's successors." he pointed at Beyond. "Beyond Birthday, right?" Beyond flinched then quickly composed himself and smirked.

"Yeah, I'm Beyond Birthday. Eric Epitaph." it was E's time to flinch.

"How...how did you know?" he stammered. B smiled once again.

"How did you mine?" B asked.

"Quentin, made sure he knew everything about his brothers orphanage." replied E. He walked around and stopped in front of A.

"Alternate! The number one boy to succeed L! Or should I call you....Adrian Attucks?" A frowned and leaned closer to B, trembling.

Epitaph smiled and turned a handsome head over to Mello.

"You're the boy who shot Melto. The young tempermental blonde named Mikhael Keehl."

"You asshole! What do you want from us!" shouted Mello.

E smiled again and patted Mello on his head. "Yes....such a fiery spirit....too bad its put to waste at Whammy's House." Mello swatted his hand away, furious.

E turned to Matt. Matt had gotten bored and had pulled out his DS. He noticed the looks he was getting from E but he just ignored him. E smirked.

"Mail Jeevas, always into those video games, eh?"

Matt continued to ignore E but was keeping a close eye on him.

"And you." he said turning to Near, who was swishing his airplane in the air and twirling his hair.

"You're the youngest and called Near. But your real name is Nate River, yes?"

Near stopped and twirled his hair in a thoughtful manner. "Yes, my name is Nate River." he then continued to soar his airplane.

L turned to E. "Now that you've told everyone something everyone else already knew, may I ask what do you want, Mr. Epitaph?" L's voice was sharp with anger.

"Mr. Lawliet, my only desire is to prove once and for all that Whammy's Place is the superior orphanage with a superior student body." E smiled at L. L scowled.

"Ha! As if you could ever be better than me. I'm twice the man you'll ever be, Epitaph." E gritted his teeth.

"You sure do have a smart mouth, Lawliet."

"Good. At least one of us does." replied L. "Do you intend to challenge me? Us? Whammy's House? Near could wipe the floor with you, Epitaph, you don't scare us."

E clenched his fists together. "You dare to challenge me? You'll see Lawliet! Whammy's House will fall to us and you'll be forced to bow down to me and admit defeat!"

L smirked. An honest to goodness smirk. It chilled his successors to the bone. L turned on a heel, signaling to his young brood that it was time to go. Everyone proceeded out ahead of L. He turned to E while hovering in the doorway. L half-smiled at the now stirred-up Epitaph.

"Your ass is grass, Epitaph, and I am the lawn mower."


	11. October 2nd: War of the Wards Pt V

"This is Whammy's House."

Watari got out and opened the door for the Yagami family. Light hopped out and ran to the door.

"なんとすばらしい場所か!" exclaimed Light happily. He turned to Watari. (Translation: What an amazing place!)

"Watari-san! 他の子供は何歳か。 どこで皆がから来るか。?" he asked. (How old are the other children? Do they come from all over?)

"My Japanese is a bit rusty but, それらは年齢で変わり、はい、さまざまな生産国がある." (They vary in age and yes they have various countries of origins)

"Light, please remember to speak English." said Soichiro.

Watari smiled and led them inside. Roger was dusting off some knicknacks.

"Oh great, more brats." murmured Roger.

"Oh these are the Yagami's Roger. Their plane is laying over in England for a week and they need a place to stay, so I invited them to stay with us."

Roger nodded and walked off. Sachiko turned to Watari.

"Is he angry?" she asked.

"Roger is just a natural old crank." replied Watari. "Please allow me to show you the premises."

Just then the door burst open. L, Beyond, Mello, Matt, Near, and A barged in the door. L stomping along angrily while his successors watched in surprise.

"This is L. The young man I told you about. L this is the Yagami Family. They'll be staying here until their plane can take off."

L stopped and turned to his caretaker. His face a mix of anger and annoyance. "That is none of my concern, Watari. I have had a very tiring day and I wish to be left alone." L continued down the hall and dissapeared around the corner. Everyone stared after him.

"What's wrong? Is Eru-san, not having the good times?" asked Light.

"L had a run in with the kids from Whammy's Place." said B.

"What?" yelled Watari. "I told him to stay away from that place!"

"L KNEW?" asked Mello.

"Watari-san what is going on? I don't want my children around danger." said Soichiro.

Watari sighed. B spoke up again.

"Whammy's Place is run by Watari's older brother. Ya see we here to succeed L, since he's the worlds greatest detective. But they want to succeed E, a juvie delinquent."

"So Eru-san is....how do you call it in English...um...the big enchinchilla?" asked Light.

"Uh that's "enchilada" kid. And yes so to speak."

"Well, children will always disagree about things, Watari-san can we please continue? Light, you stay here and play with the other kids, and be on you're best behavior." Warned Sachiko.

"Hai!" Light gave his mother an army salute. The adults walked off. Light turned to the other kids.

"Well my name is Beyond Birthday, nice to meetcha." he held out a hand. Light looked at it in a confused way.

"Here in England we shake hands." Beyond explained.

"Oh!" Light promptly shook his hand and bowed. "Beyondu Birutoday-san?"

"Uh yeah...." B wrinkled his nose. A stepped forwards next.

"I'm A or Alternate. But you can also call me Adrian."

"Eidorian-san." repeated Light. He bowed.

"What's with all this bowing crap and what the hell is "san"?" whispered B to A. He shrugged his shoulders.

"I'm Mello, but my real name is Mikhael Keehl," he pointed at Matt. "We call him Matt but his real name is Mail Jeevas."

"Mero-san. Mikairiu-san. Matto. Mairu-san." Light once again smiled and bowed. B rolled his eyes.

"I'm Near. Or Nate River. However I'm sure you'll find away to make it sound Asian."

"Neeya. Neito Riba."

"Just as I thought......"

"Hey Bok Choy." said B. "Are ya Chinese or Japanese?"

"Nihongo desu!" stated Light.

"What?"

"Japanese!"

"Holy shit he's a Jap!"

"Beyond, that rude! C'mon Light we'll give you the grand tour and you'll get to meet L."

"Eidorian-san is Eru-san's...."su-ck-sel-lor"?

A grabbed Light by his hand and lead him to the dorms. "It's successor and yes." A smiled. He took note of Light's filled to the brim backpack. So did Near and B.

"Whatcha got in there, Soy Sauce?" asked B, ruffling Light's hair.

"A nuke." said Near.

"I don't has a nuke, Neito-kun..." Light stopped and took off his Doremon backpack, he reached in and began to pull out its contents.

"Did he just call me a coon?"

He held up a box of pocky. "Pocky! Sugoi! Sugoi!" he exclaimed. He set it down and continued to dig through his belongings, B picked it up and nibbled on a piece. Light pulled out a Haruhi brigade armbrand. He pulled it on and gave the group and big smile and a peace sign.

"Light-kun will helps you fight the "vanillas"!"

"Vanilla's?" asked Matt.

"I think he means villains." said Mello.

"This 'pocky' crap taste like sawdust and chocolate." growled B.

Light pulled out a Light-sized (its small like Light ^_^) stun gun. For some reason it looked like a cow.

"Whoa!" said B.

"This is Light-kun's most prized 'progression'. I made it with.....how do you call it in English.....'scrape me-dal?'"

"Scrap metal. And its totally well build...and cow colored...you know the cows with black and white spots..." observed A.

"Holstein-Freisan."

"Yes! Light-kun likes the moo-cows! And Light-kun's stun gun is no ordinary stun gun...it can helps to move heavy objects, 'elect-a-cute' people, and charge up other things with 'electric-city'."

"Prove it, Karate Kid!" shouted B.

"Hmm....what to move....oh yes!" Light switched it on. An electric current started running between the two cream colored horns on to of the gun. Light pointed it at a nearby bookcase. He flipped another switch and a stream of yellow energy shot out and surrounded the shelf. Light motioned upwards and to everyone's amazement the bookshelf rose up in the air. Light moved it to and fro with the same amount of ease as if it had been a sheet or paper.

"The energy also keeps it from falling down and the books from falling off!"

"Damn Jap...." whispered B in utter amazement.

Light set the bookshelf down and switched off the gun. He smiled again.

"Take him to L, he needs to know about this kid!" exclaimed A. B snatched up Light and ran down the hallway with him. The others in hot pursuit.

.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

L was furiously scribbling on a sheet of paper. He was drawing up blueprints to design a massive weapon to destroy Whammy's Place. Epitaph's challenge had really hit home for him, and L was the kind of man who liked to win. At any cost. His successors burst through the door.

"L!" Beyond has holding Light like he was a puppy. "This kid is a genius! He can help us to take down Whammy's!" L spun around in his chair with lightening speed. He jumped out of his chair and stared into the boy's hazel eyes.

"Eru-san...." whispered Light.

"あなたの名前は何であるか。" (What is your name?) asked L. Everyone else's eyes went wide. No one knew that L could speak Japanese.

"軽い." (Light) Light smiled. "Eruサンは日本語であるもか。?" (Is Eru-san Japanese too?)"

"はい、私は日系人である。 示すことをことができるものをのライト、私にいくつかをする気にするか。" (Yes, I am of some Japanese desent. Light, would you mind showing me some of what you can do?)

"Hai! Please put me down, Beyondu-san." B set him down and Light pulled out his cow stun gun and handed it to L, he quickly explained its functions. "それ、Eruサンと注意しなさい。"

"I will Light." L studied the homemade contraption. Cow-inspired design aside, it was very well made. L could honestly say he was impressed. He handed the gun back to Light.

"Light, これらののスタン銃を多くを作ることができるか。 正しい材料を与えられるか。?" (Can you make more of these stun guns? Given the correct materials?)

"Hai!"

L smiled and turned to his group. "Light, will make us some more of his stun guns. They are an invaluable asset to defeating Whammy's Place. Everyone get some rest tonight, tomorrow we build and plan our strategy and the next day we attack!"

"Awesome! Let's kick some Whammy ass!" cheered B, he leaned down to Light and ruffled his hair again, making the small boy giggle. "You're bunkin' with me tonight, Shrimp Fried Rice! I wanna see how you make them damn stun guns!"

....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Author's Note:

This chapter is shorter than I wanted it to be and less funny and eventful. I haven't been thinking of any funny things to say lately since I've been having some issues. I'm sorry for the low-quality work done on this chapter. I will assure you that the next chapter will be more fun, since it evolves weaponry the likes of which only the Whammy's clan can think up.


	12. October 3rd: War of the Wards Pt VI

The next day was as busy as bee's nest.

L gave Light as much scrap metal as he could possibly provide and sent the little Japanese boy to start building. Light had also requested several cans of paint. Confused, but not one to stifle creativity, L gave him the paint. The other boys were busy building away at L's Grand Ass-Kicking Contraption (named by the teen himself).

"Ow! L! Near hit me with a hammer!" whined Mello.

"It was an accident." Near slammed the hammer down on Mello's finger. "OW! GODDAMMIT NEAR I'll KILL YOU!"

L sighed and walked to side the two were working on. "Please be more careful, Near." L wrapped up Mello's finger, the little blonde started crying and clinging to L's shirt. L sighed again and picked the little boy up and scooted him further down the side of the weapon. He handed Mello a hammer and wiped away his tears.

"Now stay away from Near, ok? Let's get back to work." L walked back to Near and frowned at him, Near frowned back and twirled his snow white hair. "Near, please behave."

"No guarantees."

L sighed, he knew that that was as far as he could get with Near. As much as he loved the boy (all his successors really), Near was a difficult and precocious child.

"Beyond! We can't add that! We have to do it the way L said!"

"Aw c'mon A, don't be such a stick-in-the-mud. L would totally be cool with it!"

"Well at least ask L's permission..."

"Permission-pershmission. L's not my dad! And he's not grown! He can't tell us what to do!"

"And why not, Backup? I'm more of an adult than you."

The boys turned around slowly. B was holding a rocket laucher. He looked up at L, his face defiant.

"Nu-uh! You're just a 7th grader!" shouted B.

"Backup, where did you get that rocket laucher?" asked L, dumfounded.

"I...I found it..."

L rolled his eyes. "How in the hell do you 'find' a rocket launcher? Where would you 'find' one?"

"...Wal-Mart?"

L sighed, his head in his hands. "B, just put it away before you hurt yourself."

"But, L it'll be really cool to put on the machine! I promise to be careful with it! Look! I already know how to work it!"

The launcher was so heavy B could barely manuver the thing. He struggled to hoist it over his shoulder. Just as he was about to fire, the weight proved too much for B's frame and he fell over on the floor. His hand accidentally flipped the switch and the launcher fired a rocket into the roof of the orphange, the power of the shot was so great it sent B through the floor, where he crash landed in Mr. and Mrs. Yagami's bedroom. The couple sat straight up in bed and stared horrified at a plaster covered rocket-launcher toting Beyond and gaping hole in their ceiling. All the children upstairs gathered around the hole. B slowly got to his feet. He was hurt and dizzy but alive. He looked at the Yagami's, their jaws literally dragging the floor.

"So...nice day we're having huh?"

"...You just fell...out the ceiling..." said Sachiko.

"And you have a...rocket launcher..." added Soichiro.

"Hey everyone!" called Near from above. Everyone downstairs looked up. Near snapped a picture.

"What is going on! I heard a loud crash and..." shouted Watari as he ran in the room where L and others were gathered around the hole in the floor. He almost had a heart attack.

"L, what happened?" asked Watari calmly, too calmly.

L's face flushed red. He looked down at the ground.

"I'll ask you again. What happened?"

L shuffled his bare feet. "We...were...playing..." he squeaked.

"Ahh I see you were playing..." nodded Watari. He took a deep breath.

"What were you playing? DESTROY THE GODDAMN HOUSE? THIS IS RE-GODDAMN-DICULOUS! I SWEAR TO *!&%$ GOD YOU &^#%%%^ KIDS ARE SO &(%%$&&%$^%! *#**$#*#*! ORPHANS *%#^#$%%#*&^%^#%$%MY DAMN MONEY!$%^&$$^$%^$%$%$%&^%$%&^&ALWAYS BREAKIN' SHIT!%^$&*#&(&&$^!()&$&*(^$&^$&^$*^$*$*(&^$&$&*$^&$^&CAN'T KEEP A GODDAMN THING IN THIS HOUSE!"

Watari's rant went on for the better part of an hour. After he finished Sachiko and Soichiro had a whole new vocabulary and L's eyes were so wide they you could actually see the pupils. The old man was out of breath and tired as he walked out the room still mumbling curses. Everyone stood in stunned silence.

"Damn Watari, tell us how you really feel." said Near as he stood over the hole twirling his hair.

...

L decided to move construction outside by the shed. Everyone was working dilligently on L's weapon. Finally, after most of the day was gone. It was finished. L's Grand Ass-Kicking contraption stood 8 ft tall. It was shaped like a submarine with wings on the side and filled with top of the line equipment it had a little bit of everyone in it. Radar, sonar, rocket launcher and jam dispenser (B's ideas), jet engine (A's idea); plush seats, foot warmer and specialized cake containment unit (L's ideas); toy bin, Bazooka, condom dispenser (Near's ideas); Wii, DS, PlayStation console, and Madden Football (Matt's ideas), and chocolate machine (Mello's idea).

"Let's test drive her." said L. "First, however let's show Light."

The boys headed to the shed where Light had just put the finishing touches on his laser guns.

"OH! Eru-sama! I am finish!" exclaimed Light. He was wearing only a T Shirt that came down to his knees and his boxers.

"Sama? Listen Light, we've finished the machine and we want you to come see it."

"Ok Eru-sama! But first Light will show you the guns!"

Light pulled L over to a rack. There sat the guns Light made. They were...a very interesting sight... Light took off the panda gun. It was decorated with black and white panda print and bamboo shoots and had two panda ears sticking up on the sides. Light handed it to L.

"This Eru-sama's gun!"

"Umm...thank you Light...its very...interesting...but why panda print?"

"Cuz' Eru-sama is panda bear! Eru-panda-sama!" exclaimed Light as he burst into a flurry of giggles. L just stared. Light picked up a brown gun with the word Hershey's embossed on the side, he handed this gun to Mello.

"Mero-kun likes chocoreto so Mero-kun gets chocoreto-colored gun!" he explained.

Mello smiled and began to make poses with the gun. "Light, you totally captured the badassness of me and chocolate with this gun. You rock!"

Light pulled a silver gun of the shelf, on the tip it was painted with red paint in a splatter motion. This was BB's gun.

"Beyondu-san, likes knives, so Light-kun made a knife and blood gun for Beyondu-san! Does Beyondu-san like it?"

B grabbed the gun and ruffled Light's hair. "Aww Sushi Roll, how'd you know?"

Light took the plain gun off the shelf. It was white.

"A-san you are plain and boring person, so you get plain and boring gun!" Light said smiling brightly.

A stared blankly at Light, obviously insulted.

"Although you might no use it A, it is as Beyondu-san called it...he said you were a..."sissified Tweety-bird." Haha! I laugh so much when he tell it to me. Anyways, Neito-kun, I made you Octopus Prime gun!"

"Its 'Optimus Prime' and thank you Light. Perhaps your people aren't as habor-bombing happy as I thought you were."

Near took his Optimus Prime gun. He twirled his hair in his right hand, a sign of happiness.

...

L climbed on board the newly built ship.

"Light, I believe that this vessel is the most advanced of its kind."

Light's eyes went wide. L took a seat at the control panel.

"Check out this navigational system. Fully capable of tracking on land, in the air, under the water, and even in space."

"OH!" exclaimed Light.

"This vessel is also fully loaded with the biggest and most powerful weapons known to man."

Light's smile was ear to ear. L pointed to a closet.

"Specialized NASA designed space suits and biohazard gear."

He tapped the walls with his knuckles.

"Iron-reinforced titanium steel. This ship could be struck with a nuclear bomb and escape without a scratch on her."

Light was so overwhelmed, he almost had a heart attack. "Eru-san! How did you obtain such weapons and parts?"

L glanced over at B. He smiled gently.

"Wal-Mart." he replied curtly.


	13. October 4th: War of The Wards Pt VII

Today was the day.

L assembled his successors early that morning. They were all outfitted in camouflage army gear. L was wearing a general's uniform.

"Men, today is the day that we, The Orphans of Whammy's House declare war on Epitaph." L began to pace up and down. His bare feet gently brushing against the carpet.

"We must defend our home against those disgraceful Whammy's Place brats. We have acquired more weapons than the U.S. dropped on the Taliban."

"Let's kill all their asses!" shouted B, fist-pumping the air.

"Time enough for that later. Now I'm going to assign ranks. BB, you're the lieutenant and leader of the guerrilla squad which will consist of Light, Near, and Mello. As my right hand man, I'm counting on you."

"Yessss! Don't worry L, I won't let you down!"

"A, you're the captain. And yours and Matt's job is to sneak around Whammy's Place to find a weak point in their formation."

"Yes, L."

"As for me, I will be manning the ship and dispatching you guys onto the battlefield. This is what we'll do, A and Matt will go out first. Try to infiltrate the enemie's base, radio back to us any weaknesses, trip ups, or openings where we can invade."

"Sir, yes sir!" both boys shouted in unision, giving L an army salute. They went off to start packing their gear. L turned to everyone else.

"Let's go see Light."

"Why does Light like the shed so much?" asked A.

"Who knows? Hong Kong Phooey is a weird little kid." said B.

* * *

L lead his troop out towards the backyard shed. Light heard them approaching and threw the door open wide. He was wearing a cow hoodie and jean shorts, complete with cow ears and horns on the hood and a tail at the bottom. Light looked cute, squeezably cute.

"KKOONIICCHHIIWWAA!" Light shrilled happily.

"..." Dead silence pierced the air. Near was the one to finally speak.

"What in the hell do you have on?"

"This? This is Light's ushi paka. It is one of many of Light's dobutsu seta."

"...Right..."

L cleared his throat. "Well Light we've finished the ship and now we are preparing for battle. You are under Beyond's command along with Near and Mello. You guys are our guerilla squad, understand?"

Light's face lit up. "Hontō? Watashi wa gorira to kōgeki suru no desu ka?"*

"No, Light its 'guerilla' not 'gorilla'."

"Oh, ok! Light wa saizen o tsukusu koto o yakusoku!" (Light promises to do his best!)

Light grabbed BB's hand and smiled up at him. L lead everyone to the ship. He stood in front of it looking over his men all dressed and ready for battle...somewhat, he decided it was time for a prep talk.

"We Whammys have descended from Hercules himself." he began.

"Hercules?" asked Mello.

"Taught never to retreat, never to surrender. Taught that death in the battlefield is the greatest glory he could achieve in his life. Whammy's: the finest orphans the world has ever known...A new age has come, an age of freedom! And all will know that 300 Whammys gave their last breath to defend it!"

"But there's only 7 of us-" started A.

"SILENCE!" commanded L. "This is where we fight, and they die!"

"Hey wasn't that from that movie 3-" began B.

"THIS!" cut-off L.

"Yeah it sure was! You mean the one with the Spar-"

"IS!"

"Uh-huh. Did you see that part when-"

L raised a rainbow lolli high above his head.

"WHAMMYS!"

* * *

L sat in the captain's seat of the vessel he so meticulously drawn on paper. BB was driving and pulled on the trottle.

"When are we landing L?" he asked.

"10 yards from Whammy's Place. Have we received word from A and Matt yet?"

"Not yet. I hope they haven't been captured yet. Light, try to contact them on the radio."

"Hai!" Light put the radio to his ear and twisted the knob.

"A-san! Matto-kun! Are you there?"

Matt replied through static. "Yeah, Light we're here."

"What has you found out?"

"Epitaph is holding a meeting. He's talking about plans for a surprise attack on Whammy's House. He said he's sent some men to scout out the area."

"I will tell Eru-sama!" Light scampered over to L.

"Matto wa, karera ga Epitafu wa koji-in ni kishū kōgeki o kaishi nitsuite hanashi o kii ta to, kare wa ikutsu ka no dansei ryōiki o sukauto ni okura re masu."

L began to rub his temples. He gritted his teeth in anger.

"Kuso renchu." he muttered to himself. He turned to Near.

"Near, can I borrow your cell a minute?"

Near tossed him the phone and L called D, for Detour.

"Hello?" answered D in her thick Filipino accent.

"Hello, D. Ito ay L. Mayroon akong isang espesyal na misyon para sa iyo. Tila na ang pagkaulila ay sa ilalim ng paglusob. Mangyaring ilagay Operation Milk Alikabok sa epekto. ako ay makipag-ugnayan sa iyo ng mas maraming mga order kung kailangan maging."

D hesitated from the shock of receiving such an order from L. "Yes sir! Right away!" she answered. L hung up the phone and handed it back to Near.

"Whammy's House will be safe. I have put a plan into effect to make sure of such."

"Light, karera wa nokoshite,-sen ni modori kuru, karera ga modotte watashi wa, Mero, Neito, BB wa koji-in o mukō ni zensen butai o isoide suru yō ni sōshin sa re masu shutoku-go ni Matto o oshiete kudasai."

"Hai."

"L says to come back. And that he will send me, Mero-kun, Neito-kun, and BB-san to attack."

"Alright, Light." replied A.

BB was starting to get bored while driving. So he started humming the first song that came to his head.

"Mum mum mum mah, mum mum mum mah, mum mum mum mah, mum mum mum mah." sang B. Mello began tapping his foot the beat.

"I wanna hold 'em like the do in Texas please, Fold em let me hit me raise it baby stay with me I love it, Luck and intuition play the cards with spades to start, and after she's been hooked I'll play the one that's on her heart." sang Mello. B looked around head still bobbing to the beat and smiled.

"Oh oh oh, I'll get him hot, show her what I got." sang A, over the radio.

"Oh oh oh, I'll get him hot, show her what I got." sang Light.

"Can't read my, can't read my, no she can't read my poker face." sang L. Everyone looked around at him for a minute, then nodded and smiled at him.

"He's got to love nobody." sang B as he shifted gears.

"Can't read my, can't read my, no she can't read my poker face." sang L again.

"He's got to love nobody."

"P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face." sang Mello.

"Mum mum mum mah." sang B

"P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face."

"Mum mum mum mah." sang Matt.

"I wanna roll with her a hard pair we will be." sang B.

"A little gambling is fun when you're with me, I love it." sang L.

"Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun." sang Mello.

"And baby when it's love if it's not rough then it isn't fun." sang Near.

"Oh oh oh, I'll get her hot, show her what I got." sang A.

"Oh oh oh, I'll get her hot, show her what I got." sang L.

"Can't read my, can't read my, no she can't read my poker face." sang B.

"He's got to love nobody." sang Near.

"Can't read my, can't read my, no she can't read my poker face."

"He's got to love nobody."

"P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face." sang A.

"Mum mum mum mah." sang L.

"P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face." sang Mello.

"Mum mum mum mah. Mum mum mum mah. Mum mum mum mah." sang L.

"I won't tell you that I love you. Kiss or hug you. Cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin. I'm not lying I'm just stunnin' with my love-glue-gunnin'. Just like a chick in the casino. Take your bank before I pay you out. I promise this, promise this. Check this hand cause I'm marvelous." sang Light.

By this time everyone was up and dancing (BB put the ship on auto pilot and yes L was dancing, A and Matt where in the spot where L told them to wait were dancing too). During this dance someone had accidentally turned on the speaker on the ship that can be heard outside. The ship pulled up above Whammy's Place where Epitaph and his army was waiting. They all turned their attentions up towards the sky when they heard a rather familiar song being sung by a chorus of voices.

"Can't read my! Can't read my! No she can't read my poker face!" sang all the Whammy's boys.

"What the hell?" shouted Epitaph.

"Can't read my! Can't read my! No she can't read my poker face!"

* * *

Author's Note:

Do you like the characters singing songs? I wanted to try something new and I thought a sing-a-long would be cute ^^. By the way, I don't own or really like Lady Gaga, I just like this song by her.


	14. October 4th: Epitaph vs L

"ATTACK!" screamed L.

"AAAAHHHHAAHHHHH!" screamed the Whammy's House boys.

"KILL THEM ALLL!" shouted Epitaph as the two orphanages collided.

The Whammy's House boys pulled their guns that Light made and shot them at Epitaph's crew.

* * *

**Epitaph vs. L**

"So we meet again Mr. Lawliet." Epitaph pulled out a silver semi-automatic and tossed his long black ponytail. "And I'm afraid it will be our last." Epitaph started shooting at L. Luckily L's scrawniness makes him quite limber and he leaned all the way back, so far his back was touching his heels. He stuck his hands behind his back and pulled out his panda gun and pointed is square at Epitaph.

"If I were you I'd just give up." said L.

"Ha! That ridiculous toy that Jap made you won't defeat me!" Epitaph fired again.

"Engaging capture mode!" L flipped a switch on his gun and shot out a yellow beam of energy, catching Epitaph's bullets in mid-air.

"WHAT?"

L began to spin around, when he worked up enough speed he released the bullets. They whistled through the air and headed straight for Epitaph. Bullets from his own gun struck his shoulders, arms and legs. His pristine suit torn and bloody Epitaph fell to the ground. L began to smirk.

Epitaph struggled to get to his feet.

"Damn, detective freak..." he murmured reaching for his gun.

"Oh no you don't..." L gave Epitaph a wild kick in the teeth.

"Bastard!"

L did a backflip and landed on his feet in a karate stance. Epitaph slowly got up.

"So that's how you want to play it Detective Freak?" Epitaph pulled off his suit jacket. "Bring it."

Epitaph swung and missed L's face. While L came back with a powerful falcon punch of his own, striking E's cheek. E fell back, but not before dealing a swift kick to L's legs, tripping him down.

"Ugh!" grunted L as he hit the ground. E kicked L in the face, knocking out a few of his teeth. L rolled over and falcon kicked E in the stomach.

"AAHHHH! Damn Detective Freak." screamed E, clutching his stomach. L jumped up, his sweater collar covered in blood.

"Time to end this..."

L rushed Epitaph and unleashed an epic flurry of falcon punches.

"UHH! AHH! URF!"

E fell to the ground in a puddle of his own blood. L stood over him triumphantly.

"Congratulations. You just got your ass kicked by this "Detective Freak."

* * *

AUTHORS NOTE: The following chapters will be short due to the fact that each one on one battle will have its own chapter.


	15. Beyond Birthday vs Distant Deathday

BB had infiltrated the Whammy's Place foyer. He had his gun drawn and was carefully making his way towards the stairs.

"KYA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Who the fuck is laughing? And sounding...BETTER THAN ME?" shouted B. A loud crash sounded and a boy wearing a blue and black stripped shirt came swinging on a loose cable. He let go and landed in front of B. B instinctively glanced above his head.

"Distant Deathday?" he said, puzzled.

"How'd you know my name, Beyond Birthday?" asked the boy. He looked just like B, only with purple eyes. His hair was shaved shorter on the sides and grown out long in the middle in a mohawk.

"How'd you know my name? You got Shinigami eyes too?"

"What? I don't think so, why?"

"Cuz I do and I can see your real name and day of death."

"And I can see your real name and day of birth."

BB looked a bit puzzled.

"I see, so you're a cheap ass knock-off!" shouted BB. He flipped a switch on his gun and shot at DD. DD grabbed the cable again and starting swinging around in the air, Tarzan-yelling.

"Dammit! Why won't you fuckin' die!" screamed BB. DD reached in his backpack and pulled out hand grenades and threw them at B. B ducked and ran in all directions trying his best to avoid the bombs.

"E told me to kill anyone who dares to try to conquer Whammy's Place! KYA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

BB ran up the stairs and noticed a silver cart in the middle of the room. He switched the gun to capture mode and grabbed the cart with the gun.

"Eat cart bitch!" BB swung the cart dead into DD. He fell from the sky and landed on the stairs.

"OWWW! MY BACK!" he screamed.

"Got you now motherfucker!" BB flipped another switch and fired at DD. DD was peppered with bullets and fell down the stairs.

BB walked down to the body and poked it with his foot, making sure he was dead. He grabbed his walkie-talkie.

"L, come in L, another Whammy's brat down, over."

"Good work, BB! I've defeated Epitaph as well."

"Where to next, L?"

"Head up to attic, Near is gonna need backup."


	16. October 4th: Near vs Far

The tiny sheep boy was clutching his Optimus Prime gun his hand. Near had tied a red scarf that read "Brigade Leader" in Japanese (that was given to him by Light) around his head.

"Hmm...I could've sworn I heard somebody up here. I hope L and the others hurry the hell up."

Someone giggled. Near turned on a dime. Nothing

"My my my, what have we here?"

Near growled. "Who are you?"

Far walked out of the shadows of the attic. "Hello, I am Far. Pleasure."

Near stared at his look-alike. "I'm Near."

"I see. You're with the Whammy's House kids aren't you?"

"Yes."

Far twirled the end of his pajama shirt and glanced at Near's gun. "I suppose that you're here to fight me."

"Yes, that is the plan."

"I see. Near, listen to me. I am a shota, you are a shota, both part of an elite group who walk the path of those legendary loli-shotas that have proceeded us, those such as Momiji Sohma, Hanizuka Mitsukuni (Honey-sempai), and Ciel Phantomhive. Should we really be fighting one another? We are one in the same you know."

Near aimed his gun at Far. "Under normal circumstances, we wouldn't, but I got orders to do away with as many of you guys as possible, same as you most likely do."

Far glanced down at the floor boards, his silver hair falling over his eyes. "I see...but Near...I feel I must warn you...I may not look like much..." Far lifted his head, his silver gray eyes sparkled. "But I am very capable." Far reached to his side and unsheathed a long samurai sword. He pulled another out and tossed it Near who caught it.

"Put away your gun, Near and allow us to battle in the old way, as the cute shotas have before us."

Near hesitated for a minute before tucking his gun away in his pack. He unsheathed the borrowed sword and got into proper stance.

"Na archísoume?" asked Far. (Shall we begin?)

"Hm, ó̱ste na miloún ti̱n archaía gló̱ssa ti̱s Shota." replied Near. (Hm, so you speak the old language of the Shota.)

Far nodded. The two lolis ran towards each other, the blades clashed together emitting an ear piercing sound.

"Eísai arketá kalós." smirked Far. (You're quite good.)

"Indeed I am." replied Near.

The swords clashed again, and again, and again. Near spun around and made a decent cut in Far's pajamas also cutting his pale chest. Far gasped as the blood escaped. Near smiled. BB and L came running up to the attic intending to help Near.

"What on Earth is this?" cried L. "Samurai swords?"

"Its is, Lawli-sama. They are battling in the old way." replied BB.

"Old way?" L turned to BB, who for some reason was wearing a monk's robe and had a large wooden staff in his hand. "B...where did you get those?"

Beyond turned to a non-existant window and "looked out" all while Near and Far clashes swords.

"Yes, the old way of the Shota. Since time began they have walked this Earth, the young boys who look like even younger boys. They have their own culture and their own ways."

"I see...are you a shota?"

Beyond snapped back to normal...well as normal as a Whammy kid could get.

"Me? Naw! I'm actually more of a Moe character now who'll eventually grow to be the Dangerous Psychopath, hell bent on destroying you and everything you hold dear."

L: O_O

"I'm just kidding, L!" BB started laughing, patting L on his back.

"Uhh...heh heh...yeah..."

Near ducked from Far's blade and swung his sword around.

"AAAHAHHHH!" screamed Far.

In one fell swoop Near had taken off one of Far's legs. Far fell to the ground, he took his sword and laid at Near's feet smiling at him.

"Omologó̱ ti̱n í̱tta sas, Nate River, eíste pragmatiká o anó̱teros Loli-Shota." (I admit defeat to you, Nate River, you are truly the superior Loli-Shota.)

"Éntimos antípalos sas. Den écho̱ típota, allá to mégisto sevasmó gia sas, Fate Creek." (An honorable opponent you are. I have nothing but the utmost respect for you, Fate Creek.)

Far nodded as he pulled out his cell phone and called an ambulance.

Near walked over to L and BB.

"Where to next?" he asked twirling his hair.

"Light is in the garden, we gotta go check up on him."

"Right. Let's go!"

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Would anybody be willing to draw the characters in this story? I would love to see them drawn on paper, in your own interpretations.


	17. October 4th: Light vs Guang

Light stood in the middle of the room. He glanced around from side to side.

"Where is Light?" Light asked out loud. He had been running absentmindedly through the Whammy's Place mansion and had gotten lost.

"You no find way out!" screamed a voice. Light recognized that accent. It was Chinese accent. Light narrowed his eyes.

A little boy around about Light's age stepped out of the shadows. He was holding a katana.

"My name Guang! You die now Jap!" he screamed. He ran towards Light. Light ducked and hit his head on the concrete floor. He got up and wiped the blood from his brow.

"Ha! Leave to dirty Chink to cheat! Pure Japanese man will defeat you!" Light fired several rounds at Guang. The bullets pierced Guang's shoulder.

"Damn ugly Jap! You dare hurt Guang Chan Cho Mao!"

"Shut up!" screamed Light. "China is crap! Oh! Let Light speak in your language! Ching chang tink tang tong chin!"

"DIE!" Guang ran towards him and made a deep cut in Light's arm. Light fired a bullet in Guang's leg. Both children lay on the ground bleeding profusely.

L, BB and Near came rushing into the room.

"Fuck, they're bleeding a lot!" said B.

"Light! Speak to me!" said L rushing to his side. BB and Near came over too.

"The...shrimp...fried...rice...was...3...9...9..." said Light, as he collapsed in L's arms.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THE LADY AT THE COUNTER TOLD ME ONE DOLLAR!" screamed L.

Guang slowly got up.

"Ha! China win! China piss on Hiroshima and Okinawa!"

Light's eyes flew open.

"How dare you ridicule Japan! She is most perfect country! SHIIIIIINNNNNNEEEEEEEE!"

Light launched himself into Guang and knocked him out the window.

BB and Near just stared at one another. Both wondering when L and Light went to go get shrimp fried rice and why the hell they weren't invited.


	18. October 4th: A vs APrime?

A was sulking about Whammy's Place. He didn't know where he was and he didn't care.

"Nobody even cares about me." he said.

"Me neither."

A stopped and looked up. He saw a boy standing there, sulking like he was.

"Are you A?" asked the boy.

"Yeah."

"I'm A-Prime."

A sat down. "I'm supposed to defeat you. But nobody will care if I do or not, no one pays attention to me anyways."

"I know, I'm the same way. Everyone loves DD or E. But not A-Prime."

"Yeah, I barely get any screen time in this fan fic."

"Well, aren't you gonna die in Lawliet and Company II?"

"Probably...yeah...wait...what...die?"

"So I guess there's no point. I mean, you were briefly alluded to in Death Note Another Note, so you can't expect much."

A started hugging his knees, then he stopped short.

"Wait...Death Note Another Note? What the hell are you talking about? What's a Death Note? And why does it have another note?"

A-Prime gave A a funny look. "You don't know...about how BB is gonna...?"

"No I dont! What do you mean briefly alluded to?"

"Uhh...never mind..."

A blinked. "Well anyways..." A's eyes started to swell up with tears. "I'm still just a third-rate character..."

A-Prime began to sob softly. "At least you're canon! I'm just an OC and pretty soon I'm gonna be killed!" A-Prime began to wail.

"GOD I'M SO DEPRESSED! I'M ALWAYS SO GOD-DAMN LONELY!" cried A. He and A-Prime started hugging each other and crying into each others shoulders.

"ME TOO!" both boys began to wail pathetically. L, BB, Near and Light came in.

"What the fuck is this?" said B.

"Is this some type of yaoi thing?" asked L.

"No L, these are just D-List characters realizing exactly how D-List they are." said Near.

"Oh...Light is so glad that he's a main." said Light sadly.

"Barely." replied Near.

"IT'S ALL TRUE!" screamed the two As.

L crouched down beside the sobbing boys. BB rolled his eyes. He hated weakness.

"Now boys, you aren't D-List characters...I mean...you guys matter a lot."

"Easy for you to say Mr. Most-Popular-Death-Note-Character-With-His-Own-Novel-Spinoff-Movie-Live-Action-Movie-Both-With-Alternate-Endings!" shouted A-Prime.

"I can't help it if I'm popular!"

"What's a Death Note?" cried A.

"BB isn't all that popular..." said Near.

"Well that's because I'm only in the novel. Although if you watch Re-Light you realize that I do make an appearance in it. The scene where L was talking to us all on the computer? I was standing off to the side, but that doesn't happen for a couple more years."

"True, but still if you haven't read the novel, then that doesn't matter."

"Yeah, but a lot of people have and all the pictures of me on Deviant Art tell a different story. So I'm like a B-List character."

Near blinked and twirled his hair.

"Really how many artworks are tagged under Beyond Birthday?"

"15,302. But I may be riding on L's coat tail. How many for you?"

"658,133. Yeah you are B-list but you're able to hold your own with the fans because of your homicidal tendencies, not only because you look like L. So no coat tail riding, fans just love you."

"Damn...how many for you L?"

L counted quickly in his head.

"943,382."

"Daammmnnn..."

L turned to Light.

"And you Yagami-kun?"

"37,519."

L turned to A and A-Prime.

"And A I bet you have a lot of fan art on DevaintArt too!"

"Yeah, maybe even more than me!" said B.

"Near, how many?"

Near pulled out his cell phone and punched in the website.

"0."

Everyone froze.

"Well...DeviantArt is over rated anyways..." said L nervously.

"You guys took up my chapter talking about yourselves and how much fan art you have..."

BB streched. "Well, look on the bright side...Mello and Matt's chapter is coming up next!"

A's eyes sank. "How does that make me feel better?"

BB turned to Near. "How many fan arts for Mello and Matt, individually I mean."

"73,058 for Mello, and 228,069 for Matt. But some of Matt's include other pictures."

"Where is A-Prime-san?" asked Light.

"Oh...crap..." said L. He pointed at the roof, where A-Prime was hanging.

"Moment of silence. Silence over. What the fuck ever, let's go find Mello and Matt." said B.

"Yep." agreed L.

Everyone walked away. A lingered behind staring up at A-Prime's body, a tear slowly sliding down his cheek.


	19. October 4th: End of WOTW Arc

L, BB, Light, Near and A headed down a long dark hallway.

"The scanner says just a little further and to the left. They should be there."

"I'm tired of walking!" said A.

"Shut up D-list." said Near.

They kept going till they reached a large wooden door. They could hear gunshots ringing from the inside.

"Do we really want to open this door?" asked Light.

"I don't think so..." replied L.

"We gotta go in there and help them." said Near.

"Then you go in. I'll be damned if I get shot." said BB.

"But what if Mello and Matt need us? We can't just abandon them!" cried A.

"Their parents did! Why can't we?"

"That's low even for you Beyond." said L.

"Pssht! Don't act so surprised."

"Let's just go in." replied Near. "Besides, Mello is always shooting up Whammy's House anyways. We all ought to be used to it by now."

"Mello shoots at Whammy's?' asked L.

"You really don't know anything about us do you L?"

"I guess not..."

"Light-kun thinks we should just go in already."

Light pushed open the door.

* * *

"TAKE THIS MOTHERFUCKER! I'LL PUMP YOU SO FULL OF LEAD YOU'LL HAVE TO USE YOUR DICK AS A PENCIL!"

That sounded like Mello, more gunshots rang out.

"EAT SHIT BITCHES!"

Melto fired a couple of rounds of his own.

"WEAK ASS HO!"

Matt punched Mutt in the face.

"And these are 3 and 4 year olds people." said Near, twisting his hair.

"GOD-DAMN DICK SUCKING SLUT WHORE!" shouted Mutt. He kicked Matt in the stomach.

"YA MAMA BITCH!" Matt kneed Mutt in the face, blood spurted everywhere.

"WHERE THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU GOIN' ASSHOLE? I AIN'T THROUGH WITH YOUR ASS!" Mello grabbed Melto buy the hair and fired a round into his head.

"That was fuckin' raw..." said L. Everyone turned to look at him in amazement.

Matt had Mutt in a headlock. "Shoot him Mello!"

"Get out the way!" Matt let him go and Mello fired several rounds into Mutt's chest.

* * *

"That flippin' sweet! I got such a fuckin' rush! And when you blew that dude's brains out...awesome..." said B as the gang made their way outside and back home.

"Thank's BB, straight out of a page of your book dude."

"Umm guys..." said A.

"What?" said L.

"You do realize that we just killed like what 6 people?"

Everyone's jaw dropped.

"Well...I didn't kill Epitaph. I only severely injured him. Beyond did you kill Distant?'

"Hell yeah I killed Distant."

"Well, we expect that from you." said Near. "I cut off Far's legs. Pretty sure he was done for."

"We killed Melto and Mutt." said Matt.

"Again, to be expected."

"A-Prime hung himself. He doesn't count." said Light.

"Are we gonna go to jail?" asked Mello.

"No. After all justice was served." replied L.

"How so?"

"Well, they were all criminals who committed heinous crimes and were probably going to wind up on death row anyways...at some point in time..."

"Yeah..." said B, nodding.

"So I guess its ok that most of them are dead." said A.

"Yes." affirmed L. "Just the same let's torch the place to remove all evidence."

* * *

"You guys were gone all day long." said Watari when everyone finally returned, he was just setting dinner on the table. "What did you kids do all day?"

L smirked. "We were playing War with the Whammy's Place kids."

"I see. I'm glad you kids decided to get along. Who won?"

Watari found it strange about how all the kids were headed to their rooms with smirky grins on their faces.

"We did." replied L.


	20. October 5th: Twilight Mania

**Author's Note: **Our worst nightmare has come true. Twilight mania has hit Whammy's House. How will the boys survive? BTW, I'm C. I'm not really 12 but for this story I am. I'm not really a fan of Twilight, but again for this story I will be. I probably won't show up again. Oh and this is set before all the books were out.

* * *

"Omg! Look at Edward! He's like soooo hot and sexy!" shouted S.

"Whatever! Jacob is like uber-ultra sexy and like way better than Edward! Bella needs to choose him!" said D.

"Forget Bella, I soooo want Taylor Lauter (however you spell it) to mine!" said F.

The girls of Whammy's House were all a flutter about Twilight. The series had just been released in England and every literate girl in town was vying at the chance to collect the books. The Whammy's girls were no different. The boys on the other hand, were feeling the crunch.

L sat on the edge of his bed.

"Hey, S, D, F. How would you girls like to come over here and sit on Lawli's lap?" he called to the girls in the hallway. Usually L was the object of the most of Whammy's girls affections, they loved to sit on L's lap or cuddle with him and call him cute names.

The three girls blinked.

"Sorry, L but we have Robert and Taylor now." They continued to gush about the Twilight stars, completely ignoring L. L gritted his teeth and stomped off towards BB's room.

* * *

C and B were sitting on B's bed. B was kissing all over C's neck.

"Come on...put that stupid book down..." B moaned in C's ear.

"I'm not having sex with you B. And didn't you have a girlfriend?"

"Yeah...but she broke it off with me..."

C continued to read her Twilight book.

"You used to love this...you would always say this was romantic."

"Now that I'm reading how Edward wanted Bella to wait, I realize that I need a man who's willing to wait till I'm ready. Obviously, that man isn't you."

C got off the bed and left. BB punched his pillow in anger.

"Dammit! We could've made some nice chocolate vanilla swirled love to each other too..."

"Twilight's gotten to your girl too huh?" asked L, who had just appeared in the doorway.

"Yeah." said B, sulkily.

"Stephanie Meyer is a bitch. S, D, and F won't sit on my lap anymore. Thanks to "Edward" and "Jacob"."

"You're such a gross lolicon L."

"I'm not gross! We're only three years apart!"

"D is 9!"

"Holy crap, I didn't know! God I am a pedophile..."

"You didn't? Well whatever, anyways we need to stop this. We'll lose our girls if we let the Meyer whore keep this up!" shouted B.

"What do you propose we do?"

"Easy! We stop Twlight! I heard that New Moon or whatever is gonna come out soon. We need to stop her!"

"But...how?"

"L, we're Whammy's kids...we will find a way."

"I don't know about this B..."

B narrowed his blood red eyes.

"Don't you want the girls to be all over you again? Like they are everytime you come home?"

L stared at B. "Yes...yes I do..." he replied deadpanned.

"Good. And I want my C-chan back. So if we work together, successor and predecessor, we can defeat Meyer."

"Nothing beats a failure but a try." said L.

* * *

**Author's Note: Ahh...the start of a new arc. L and BB vs. Stephanie Meyer and...whoever...place your bet folks, who will win?**


	21. October 6th: Twilight Mania Pt II

"How would we go about taking down Meyer?" asked L the next day to his successor. They were having a meeting in L's room.

"There is only one way..." replied B, solemnly.

L narrowed his eyes to a warning squint. "We are not killing Meyer, BB."

B folded his arms. "Well then I don't know what to do."

"Why is it always murder with you? That's your solution to everything!"

"You're one to talk! What with you pining after anything in a skirt!"

"I don't pine! Besides its called "adolescence".

"It's called pedophilia!"

"Stop called me a pedophile! I'm not into little girls! I like girls my age!"

"So? Coming from you it all feels pedophiley."

"UGH! Look, we are here to talk about taking down Stephanie Meyer! Not how big a pervert I am!"

"Yeah, you're right. Anyways, you're the detective, hurry up and detect something."

"Hmm...Let's Google Stephanie and find out where she lives."

L flipped open his laptop and punched in Stephanie Meyer's name.

"Appereantly she lives in Phoenix, Arizona now."

"Good, give me the address." said B, pulling out a pen and sheet of paper.

L stated the address. "But what will we do when we get there?"

"How we gonna get there in the first place?"

"I'm buying the plane tickets now." said L. He pulled out his credit card.

"You have a credit card?" asked B, amazed.

"Yeah, Watari gave it to me when I turned 13."

"Lucky! But won't Watari be mad though? Aren't those things supposed to be for emergencies only?"

"I consider this a dire emergency."

L finished putting in his credit card number. "Ok, now all I need to do it print out the tickets."

His wireless printer began to chug, soon a piece of paper with two tickets on them were spat out.

"Now we need to get you a passport Beyond."

"No need! I already got one."

"Oh right...you were born in the states weren't you?"

"Yep!"

"Alright then, go to your room and start packing! We're heading to Arizona!"

* * *

L came into BB's room, lugging a rolling bag behind him. He held up three long sleeved shirts that looked a lot like the white one he was wearing now.

"Ok so which one B? Navy blue, Dark Green, or Yellow?"

"Well you're really pale L, so I think you should wear dark colors. Of course it'll emphasis your porcelain skin. But I think dark looks better on you."

"Hmm...ok then...so no yellow?"

"Yeah, no yellow. Besides yellow isn't your color."

"Really? Do I look that bad in yellow?"

"Yes. But since you look bad all the time maybe it really doesn't make a difference."

"I look bad?"

"Not so much bad, as you look...really really creepy."

"Creepy? How so?"

"The eye bags, the perceptual bedhead, the weird way you walk all hunched over, the crouching, your huge owlish dark gray eyes and I mean huge, you gigantic feet and abnormally long toes, your large hands and spider-leg fingers, your-"

"I get it...BB...thank you..." said L between clenched teeth.

"No prob, buddy."

BB continued to stuff clothes in his bag. L packed the blue and green shirts and took a seat on his suitcase.

"Finished already?" asked B.

"Yeah, you're not?"

"Almost."

Watari and Roger walked in.

"Why are you boys packing?" asked Watari.

"Are you planning on running away?" asked Roger.

"No, we're going to Arizona. Don't worry we're coming back though." replied L.

"Damn." mumbled Roger under his breath.

"Why on Earth would you go to Arizona?"

"Stephanie Meyer lives there." piped B.

"L...BB...I thought I raised you boys better than that! Don't go to that woman's house, you don't know where she's been!"

"But Watari, we're going to go stop her! We're tired of our Whammy's House ladies being taken in by Taylor Lauter's six-pack!" cried L.

"Well, I do hate Lauter...and I know how much you love the ladies..."

L nodded gravely.

"Did you use your credit card to buy the tickets?"

L nodded again.

"Ha! I thought you told him he could only use it for emergencies! You're in trouble now, L." shouted Roger, pointing an accusatory finger at L.

Watari set a firm hand on L's shoulder. "Make me proud, son. Make me proud."

L gave Watari an army salute followed by a big hug.

Watari smiled and then turned to B.

"Give 'em hell, my boy."

"Expect nothing less." replied the little Shinigami, rather cockily. Watari turned out the door. Roger wasn't too far behind.

"But! But! L disobeyed you! He wasted money on tickets to the States over some dumb books!" cried Roger.

"Oh shut the hell up, Roger! Damn, can't I go one day without your hearing your tattle-telling bullshit? Oh and you boys come get me when you're through packing. I'll drop you off at the airport."

"But Quilish...I-I-I mean not to go against your word...I-I mean it is LAW in this house...b-b-but don't you think that you should reconsider? L is no where near being a good role model for these kids!" cried Roger.

Watari sighed and he brushed past Roger. "Do you EVER get tired of being a kiss ass?"


	22. October 6th: Bonding with BB

"Thanks for the ride Watari!" shouted L as he and BB got out the limousine.

"No problem! Put that Meyer woman in her place!" shouted back Watari. He turned and drove off.

L and BB reached the ticket gate.

"Where are your parents?" asked the ticket taker.

"My little brother and I are going to be taking this trip on our own." replied L.

"Let me see your passports."

L pulled out both passports.

"Ok then come on through, but behave yourselves on the plane."

"We will Mister, we will." said B and he and L ran to the plane. They were standing in the boarding line, BB was really excited. The last time he was on a plane was when he was coming to England after his mom died. And that barely counts because he didn't really remember it anyways.

"I'm really excited L! I never been on a plane before! Well that I can remember!"

"Shhh! We can't use our real names! I'm Yukkiteru Ryuzaki ok?"

"And who am I?"

"Rue Ryuzaki."

"But...I'm not Asian."

"Neither am I."

"Yes you are. You're like half Japanese or something."

"I'm only 25% Japanese. I'm more Caucasian than anything."

"But you still have some Asian features. In fact now that I look at you, its pretty apparent."

"Well what are you?"

"I'm Russian, Danish, and French."

"I'm part Russian too."

"Ahh I see. So why the Japanese names?"

"I like Japanese names."

Our two heroes quickly boarded the plane. They hopped in their seats and buckled their belts.

"So L- I mean Yukki. Remember when you said that you used to live on the streets?"

"Yeah."

"Well...why?"

"My dad didn't want me. My mom died in child birth and he blamed me for it. He was always drunk and he used to hit me. He told me that my mother was the sweetest most kindest woman in the world, and when she got pregnant with me all she would talk about is how happy we were going to be together and how much she hoped that she would have a son with thick black hair, dark gray eyes, and how smart he would be."

L began to get a bit misty-eyed.

"He said that for months she would rub her stomach and coo to me calling me her "little darlin'" he told me that even though I came out exactly as she wanted it was all in vain because I killed her."

"I'm sure she forgave you. Besides it wasn't even your fault. Not like you came out with the intent of killing her." said B.

"I know, but still I miss her."

"You don't even know her."

"I don't have to."

By this time the plane has taken off and B was staring out the window, fascinated by the view. Every so often he would tell L to look out the window at something and ask him how cool did he think it was. They sat in silence for a while, then L spoke.

"B. What about your parents? What happened to them?"

B turned around. "Ya mean Watari never told ya?"

"No."

"My dad got beat up by some thug. Serves his ass right though, he was a prick. He got our family into a shitload of debt because of his gambling and then tried to pin it on Mom, saying that her paying our everyday living expenses was what had us in debt. As a result my folks were about to get divorced but then he died. Can't say I'm sorry he's dead."

"Well I understand that, I don't miss my dad either. I'm glad he gave up his parental rights. But what about your mom?"

"Now her I do miss. She was really awesome. She got hit by a train. I knew it was gonna happen though."

"If you knew why didn't you stop her?"

"Dude, I was like what 3? 4? Not like she would've believed me anyways."

"By the way, Beyond..uh I mean Rue...how CAN you predict people's deaths?"

B froze. He hadn't told anyone about his eyes.

"And now that I think about it...how did you know Epitaph's real name?"

B started to sweat a little.

"Umm...well...I just had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach about my mom is all. And I just made a lucky guess with Epitaph."

B turned to L and plastered on a fake smile. L raised his eyebrows. He wasn't buying any of what B was telling him.

"And your eyes? They're red. Not a normal eye color for a person and you are not an albino. How do you explain that?"

"I told you all before I have a birth defect."

_Not exactly a lie_, thought B to himself.

"Funny, I've never heard of such a defect. What's it called?"

"I don't know! It's just some weird optical anomaly!"

L knew that BB was hiding something. But he decided to drop it for now.


	23. October 7th: The Big Easy

L and BB touched down in Arizona the next day. Both were tired and jet lagged when they got off the plane. The boys walked out of the Arizona airport and outside into the hot sun.

"Let's find a hotel now." said B, the heat was already bothering him.

"Where? Its a dust bowl out here!" said L.

"Ask somebody."

L looked around and spied a group of older men in leather jackets standing by motorcycles and talking.

"Let's ask them." said L.

"What? No way! They're a biker gang!"

"We're not starting a turf war, B. We just want directions to a hotel within walking distance."

"Whatever dude, just watch you back."

L grabbed B by the hand and dragged him over to the men.

"Excuse us." interrupted L.

The men turned to look and L and BB. The leader stepped forward with a beer in his hand.

"'Sup? What ya want kid?" his voice was gruff and strained.

"My friend and I would like directions to a hotel within walking distance." replied L.

"I see...a hotel eh? Just what in the hell do you think this is?"

"Pardon?"

"Do it look like there's a friggin hotel around here kid? Shit, you better settle for a Motel 6."

The men erupted into raucous laughter.

"Well, I'm not very picky about the accommodations, so long as its being kept sanitary and pest-free."

The leader eyed L and then eyed BB.

"Hey boy, you some kinda homo?"

L's eyes went wide, as did B's.

"I beg your pardon?" cried L, insulted.

"You talk all fancy like them homosexuals. You 'n ur "friend" dere look an awful lot like butt buddies."

L gritted his teeth.

"I'll have you know sir, that this young man is my successor. Not my lover. I assure you that I am both sexually and emotionally attracted to the female gender."

"Yeah!" piped up B. "I'm not gay."

"Oh yeah? Then what do you need a hotel for?"

L sighed. "Ok I'll level with you. We are here to destroy Stephanie Meyer, before she releases the next Twilight book."

The men fell silent. The leader held out his hand, intending for L to take it.

"Little Dude, you have just earned our admiration and respect. My name's Big Willie and these are The Big Easy. We're a biker gang 'round these here parts."

"Pleasure, Mr. Big Willie." replied L, earnestly shaking the man's large, meaty hand. Another tall ZZ-Top looking man stepped forward.

"My daughter's been hold up in her room since Meyer released them Twilight books. She dumped her boyfriend cuz he wasn't like Edward or whoever."

He patted BB on his shoulder. "I'm Buck. And I for one am willing to help you boys on your quest."

"Thanks!" said B with a smile.

"We'll take you boys to a nearby hotel. Hell, we'll do ya one better! We'll take you as close to her address as possible. But I gotta warn ya kids, the road is rough when your travelin by motorcycle. Think you can handle it?" asked Big Willie.

"We're Whammy's Kids! 'Course we can!" snorted B.

"Alrighty then Little Feller. You and Little Dude hope on a bike with Steve and Rusty." Two men, both decked out in patchwork jackets and dark sunglasses, nodded towards the boys.

L got on the motorcycle with Steve while Beyond paired up with Rusty. All the motorcycles revved up and drove off into the wild blue yonder.


End file.
